This is a year-end article of mine that never got used. I hope you'll find some enjoyment in it.

Hey, now is the time of year for all music media, mainstream asshole and indie superior alike, to release a list of what they consider to be the best releases from the past 12 months, give or take. For more than any other reason, these are submitted mostly to give people like you something to bitch about in forums or conversation, as you believe your taste is just that much better than whoever that was on some website or in whatever magazine. And so, in the interest of revealing a more complete perspective…

The Top 10 Or 11 Releases That Ate Corporate Balls From 2005 Revisited
By filmore mescalito holmes

10) Kings Of Leon “Aha Shake Heartbreak” (RCA/RIAA)
They’ve been saying rock is dead for decades now. Even the partly responsible Lenny Kravitz echoed this statement. So why anyone would look to a gaggle of inbred, mop head, panty sniffing, gang banging cousins for a revival is beyond me. Caleb’s nasally squonk of a voice only makes the Kings’ total lack of originality and soul that much more obvious. They admittedly play only to get laid but, from the sound of it, they’d rather drink beer than screw anyway so there’s really no point in this band existing. Damn, Jimmy, we sure is ignant. We suuuuuuure is.

09) Santana “All That I Am” (Arista/RIAA)
Released in early November, this is perfect Xmas timing for the savvy marketer and no happy coincidence either. All That I Am, if you are to take this title at face value, is only about making a profit. Anyone who has seen Santana’s Woodstock footage knows that money is all he is now. Having been burnt out for twenty odd years, we’re still waiting for the fade-away part. He used to have a soul.

08 ) R. Kelly “TP.3 Reloaded” (Jive/RIAA) / Shaggy “Clothes Drop” (Geffen/RIAA)
What does it take to make pop stars too wrong and creepy to keep putting out records or, which is more, for people to stop buying them? Are you going to buy George Dubya’s country album when that comes out too? Is this really what you accept as freedom? Face facts, if you have to listen to the likes of these guys to feel sexy, you are not meant to breed.

07) Nickelback “All The Right Reasons” (Roadrunner/RIAA)
If Nickelback fans had even the smallest amount of rational judgement, they’d only have to waste money on one LP from these regrettably Canadian hacks. Then they could just copy it a few times and write all the other album titles on them. Boom, there’s the entire Nickelback catalogue for a fraction of the cost.

06) The Darkness “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (Atlantic/RIAA)
…is actually a return ticket but I guess that wouldn’t sell as well, which is the only Darkness goal. All the hardcore Steve-O and Ron Jeremy fans were lining up the day this one came out. It’s in the running for the dumbest project name in music history with the grade school lyricism and copied note-for-note hair metal riffs to back it up. Next to the men’s room wall in 7-11, this is the absolute bottom rung for dick jokes.

05) TATU “Dangerous And Moving” (Interscope/RIAA)
Nice fake lesbian image, terrible synthesized sound: this is the peak of pop music today. And the RIAA wonders why sales are down 8%. But really, why waste your money on this manufactured discharge when you can buy real porn at the corner store? As soon as Hustler comes out with a CD every month, acts like this will go the way of my erection, down permamently.

04) Ashlee Simpson “I Am Me” (Geffen/RIAA)
You guys do know she has nothing to do with the production of her music, right? She barely scratches out co-writing credits with a song writing team on this pre-recorded lie. When you buy this CD, you're not actually buying music. You are buying a carefully marketed, totally false product. The fact that SNL brought her back after her Milli Vanilli debacle is proof of both the death of that completely irrelevant “live” show and the upcoming apocalypse (2012, mark it on your calendar).

03) Jennifer Lopez “Rebirth” (Sony BMG/RIAA)
Now that she’s been reborn, is she still Jenny from the block? This Jenny has a 60-110 person entourage following her around everywhere she goes while demanding all dressing rooms and holding areas she’ll ever see are painted white so I guess she must be the same self-proclaimed movement she always was. Now, if she was ever human, that’s another question. Personally, I’m thinking she’s a succubus.

02) Black Eyed Peas “Monkey Business” (A&M/RIAA)
They sing a song about Fergie’s breasts…called “My Humps.” Have you ever heard anyone refer to their privates as “lumps” but in a cute, not cancery way, in real life? No, you haven’t. The main reason behind this, aside from the fact it sounds retarded, is that “lumps” in tits are cancery and about as far from sexy as you can possibly get. Long-term exposure to this music will, however, give you tumours.

01) 50 Cent “The Massacre” (Aftermath/RIAA)
Hooray, it’s meaningless violence acting like music. In light of Fiddy’s recent video game and feature film, I’m even more flabbergasted at how many people are stupid enough to believe a word he says. You do know everything about him is completely fictional, right? Not a fucking thing from any project he’s ever been involved in has any inkling of truth in it (or the most basic human decency, for that matter). I doubt he was ever shot and, if he was, he probably got one of his buddies to do it to improve his cred. Listening to this or any CD like it for any length of time is the equivalent of taking a generic knockoff moron pill.

Your worst of list is the best I've seen so far. Good work. Still undecided about Kings Of Leon, but I'm not a fan of any of the other albums. And I like some of the mainstream. R. Kelly and Santana have gone downhill. Though I liked Santana's Supernatural, which wasn't released too long ago.

Pretty funny.

I'm surprised Coldplay was left off, given how much you (and most indie-publication critics) hate them.

quote:

Originally posted by philosopherEric:
I'm surprised Coldplay was left off, given how much you (and most indie-publication critics) hate them.

I hate Coldplay? I'm not sure. I think I hate the bands that have spawned off Coldplay more than Coldplay themselves. "Politik" is a pretty dope track.

quote:

Originally posted by Filmore Holmes:

quote:

Originally posted by philosopherEric:
I'm surprised Coldplay was left off, given how much you (and most indie-publication critics) hate them.

I hate Coldplay? I'm not sure. I think I hate the bands that have spawned off Coldplay more than Coldplay themselves. "Politik" is a pretty dope track.

Maybe I'm remembering wrong...I thought you were on the 'anything that they sell in Starbucks is crap and they sell Coldplay in Starbucks so...' tip.

Apologies for misrepresenting you.

quote:

Originally posted by philosopherEric:
Maybe I'm remembering wrong...I thought you were on the 'anything that they sell in Starbucks is crap and they sell Coldplay in Starbucks so...' tip. Apologies for misrepresenting you.

No need. I think I did say that. I don't hate them though. I just wouldn't ever buy anything of theirs, especially not at Starbucks.

Starbucks used to sell Yo La Tengo...now they sell that stupid girl band.

Do you mean the band Antigone Rising? I still haven't heard enough from them to like or dislike.

quote:

Originally posted by MattD:
Do you mean the band Antigone Rising? I still haven't heard enough from them to like or dislike.

If they're selling at Starbucks, it's inevitable that you will hear enough of them, whether you want to or not...every grocery store, every cafe, every movie theatre, everywhere...and you can't turn them off!!!

Yeah, it's possible.. just haven't been exposed much so far.

quote:

Originally posted by MattD:
Yeah, it's possible.. just haven't been exposed much so far.

I've been lucky enough not to have heard a single track off the new Weezer so far. Here's hoping!

quote:

Originally posted by Filmore Holmes:

I hate Coldplay? I'm not sure. I think I hate the bands that have spawned off Coldplay more than Coldplay themselves. "Politik" is a pretty dope track.

Coldplay totally gets a bad rap. Their last album was bad, and there's nothing we can do about that. But they did make a few very good, very big (sound-wise) songs with pretty piano lines on their first two albums. Sometimes I wish we didn't feel the need to blow off any band that hits it big with teenagers and housewives. In this instance, the band in question is very capable of making good music. Not saying they'd be my favorite band if X&Y hadn't sucked or anything, but backlash is annoying.

Anything you hold against Coldplay for selling at Starbucks, you have to equally hold against Dylan..so I'm willing to let them off the hook as soon as they start putting out more interesting music.

Even though X & Y was no means great, Coldplay's pretty decent for a mainstream band. You could do a lot worse than to listen to Coldplay.

quote:

Originally posted by ericg75:
Even though X & Y was no means great, Coldplay's pretty decent for a mainstream band. You could do a lot worse than to listen to Coldplay.

I haven't heard X&Y, but those are pretty much my thoughts on Coldplay.

A couple things about your assessment of 50's "The Massacre":

1. 50 was shot....which is part of the reason why he speaks witgh a bit of a slur....jaw surgery.

2. How do you know everything about him is completely fictional? Did he tell you himself? Were you hanging out with him when he was a nobody? While he was selling crack on a street corner? I understand not being able to relate to his music, that's fine (I'm not a tough drug dealer with guns either), but to discredit someones music because they speak about something that you "think" is fabricated, is stupid.

3. Seems like you're not into hip-hop much (Since much of it is about drugs, guns, street life, etc.), so I'll just say this: I'm a big hip-hop fan. I didn't think The Massacre was all that great. I'm not a huge fan of 50. I dig some of his stuff, but The Massacre is my least favorite effort from him. It is, in no way, the worst album to come out this year. Maybe you should listen to a bit more of the album (or even hip-hop for that matter) before you judge. The album has its highs and lows, like most projects, but it is in no way one of the 10 worst albums to come out this year. You might actually wanna listen to it first.

This isn't a diss towards you or anything.....just felt like you shoulda done a little more research (and listening) before you posted that.

quote:

Originally posted by GZAGenius1415:
This isn't a diss towards you or anything.....just felt like you shoulda done a little more research (and listening) before you posted that.

Here's my full review of 50 Cent's album.
I've done enough research. He's totally full of shit. Actually, I'm a huge hip-hop fan (I fell asleep listening to Black Sunday last night). Mainstream hip-hop has just gotten rediculous and it kills me. Here's the hip-hop type shit from my top 66 of 2005:
56. Tipper - Hip-Hop (Immergent/RIAA)
51. The Gorillaz - Demon Days (Virgin/RIAA)
49. Nobody & Mystic Chords Of Memory - Tree Colored Set (Mush/Rough Trade)
47. The Herbaliser - Take London (Ninja Tune)
43. 13 & God - Self-Titled (Anticon)
37. Blockhead - Downtown Science (Ninja Tune)
30. Buck 65 - Secret House Against The World (WEA/RIAA)
21. Danny Breaks - The Outer Dimension (Alphebet Zoo)
17. Alias & Ehran - Lilian (Anticon)
16. Sage Francis - A Healthy Distrust (Epitaph)
12. Nobody - And Everything Else... (Plug Research)
11. Quasimoto - The Further Adventures Of Lord Quas (Stones Throw)
07. Blackalicious - The Craft (Anti-/Epitaph)

If you think 50 is the biggest cancer in society today, then wow....I don't know what to tell you. There are much bigger issues/cancers in today's society than 50 Cent. I think many people (probably yourself included) take his music a bit too seriously. 4 gigantic paragraphs on an album you hate? You spoke about exactly one track on the album (In My Hood)....that's it. Did you really listen to the rest of the album? (Serious question). Because there are a couple of tracks that aren't even about guns, dope, and killing (Baltimore Love Thing, Hate It Or Love It)....

It seems like you already had a hate for 50 before you even put the album in....not really a fair review is it?

Anyways, as for your top hip-hop albums of '05....most of those aren't even hip-hop really. Blockhead's "Downtown Science" was the only hip-hop album on your list that I liked, and even that's not really hip-hop...

Blackalicious' "The Craft" was garbage....especially compared to their earlier work.

Did you get a chance to hear Sean P's "Monkey Barz"? GZA / Muggs "Grandmasters"? Reef The Lost Cauze "Feast Or Famine"? If not, please pick those up, as they are some of the years best releases.

Most mainstream hip-hop is ridiculous, I'll agree with that, but it's servicable for what it's trying to accomplish (I don't take a 50 or Jay-Z album the same way as I take something from GZA, Reef, etc.)....but for every crummy mainstream album there are 5 dope underground ones. It seems like you're mostly into "alternative" hip-hop, but check those albums I mentioned....especially Reef....his stuff has a lot of substance.

quote:

Originally posted by GZAGenius1415:
You spoke about exactly one track on the album (In My Hood)....that's it. Did you really listen to the rest of the album? (Serious question). Because there are a couple of tracks that aren't even about guns, dope, and killing (Baltimore Love Thing, Hate It Or Love It)

I beg to differ.

quote:

Seriously, aside from the first C.Styles and Bang Out beat, Buckwild's brass based "I Don't Need 'Em," and, to an extent, the two Needlz tracks (though initially interesting, go absolutely nowhere) there is nothing redeeming about this album.

I miss Cypress Hill, Black Sheep are the shit, and Public Enemy will never die. I meant the cancer line in terms of a cancer on North American culture (in light of the video games, movie, and what not).

I'm a fan of hip-hop, but I just find gang-violence related lyrics just really offputting and ingenuine.

Like, they're boasting about how they're a bunch of amoral thugs who's biggest goal is short-term gratification and who kill people who look at them cross-eyed, glorifying said lifestyle in the process.

When in reality they're a bunch of businessmen who are just trying to franchise themselves and move product.