bm, I don't have one which should be easy for you to figure... I guess I have no sense of humor..ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! Sorry, I thought I was right!

i don't have a joke that'll make someone crack-up but..i thought this one was decent...

its called:
Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

quote:

---

Originally posted by mark f:
bm, I don't have one which should be easy for you to figure... I guess I have no sense of humor..ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! Sorry, I thought I was right!

---

Is there a chance I can get a translation of this?

The translation was: first joke , but second joke (as RayRay said) . You'll get the hang of me soon enough. After all, we are separated by a common language.

quote:

---

Originally posted by mark f:
The translation was: first joke , but second joke (as RayRay said) . You'll get the hang of me soon enough. After all, we are separated by a common language.

---

Why the long face? Oh, I get it. You like it blue. Well, OK then. Get the kiddies out of the room "cause here comes the dirtiest joke I know. I only hope I don't scare the horses.

Here goes:

How to catch a polar bear.

First, you cut a hole in the ice.
Then you put peas around the hole.
Then, when the polar bear comes for a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. (Fargin ice-hole)

The moral of the story? maybe there is no moral. Maybe it's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

"I'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group and my-self, and I hope we passed the audition"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: burning man,

quote:

---

Originally posted by RayRay:
That one's a little better! OK, here's one from the vault:

Back in the 70's, when milk baths were all the rage, this woman calls her milkman and orders several gallons milk. When the guy gets to her door, it's open so he walks in, and she tells him to come back to the bathroom. The woman is lying naked in the tub, and the milkman sticks his head in and asks, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The woman responds, "No, up to my t*ts would be fine!"

---

"... and he's name was Ernie, and he rode the fastest milk cart in the west".

Look, I know this joke thing's getting a bit tired, but, I just heard a story that best explains the Aussie phsyche, so if your in'erested, read on. If not, I suggest you just move on with your life.

Our tale begins thuswise:

It was a dark and stormy night.
Sammuel, or Bluey as he was known to his friends ('cause he has red hair, doncha know?) was dragged from his dreaming by a rather loud and persistant banging in his front door. Sammuel, roused himself from the deepest of slumbers,sat up, and swivelled himself out of bed 'til his feet slipped into his slippers in a practiced motion learned long ago. Brunnhilde, his wife lo these many years, snorted and gargled as Sammuel lifted himself from the bed and shambled through the bedroom door, collecting his robe as he past, sliding it over his shoulders in a sleepwalk motion, that hardly took any braincells to execute.

"Who, the firetruck is this, he grumbled under his breath, as he navigated his way down the stairs to the front door directly below. A flash of lightning illuminated the familiar surroundings, and Sammuel knew, even in his dazed and confused state that the thunder would soon follow.

On cue, as he opened the door, a peel of thunder filled his conciousness, and he found himself face to face with a dark figure standing at the entrance of the doorway.

He was soaked to the core, even though he was wearing a wide brimmed fedora and a heavy driza-bone tied up tightly at the waist by what appeared to be an electrical appliance cord.

"What can I do fer you." asked Sammuel, trying as hard as he could to maintain his composure.

"Can you give me a push"? came the reply.

"Look,buddy, normally I would, but I'm not really awake, could you try somewhere else"? Sammuel muttered, and closed the door in the strangers face.

Harumph, he grumbled as he made his way back up stairs, back to the warmth of his bed and back to the elbows and knees of his loving Brunnhilde.

"Who was that?" he sighed.

"Just some jerk, wantin' a push. Can you imagine, in this weather?"

The lightning cracked.

"Now dear," twitterd Brunnhilde "remember when you were at the beach, and you were drowning, and that man jumped in and saved you, even though he wrecked his watch doing it?"

"But...." he protested.

"Remember...."

"O, alright then, if it makes you happy" and off he headed for the front door again.

"Russa frussa" he grumbled through gnashing teeth, as he once more made his way down stairs.

Upon reaching the front door Sammuel flung it open, still not altogether impressed with the prospect of the impending task, and yelled into the pitch darkness and driving rain.

"Hey,buddy where are you" cried he.

"I'm over here" came the reply out off the inky black night.

"I can't see you. Can you tell me where you are?" bellowed Sammuel,once more into the teeth of the howling gale.

"Over here, on the swings"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: burning man,

What was the joke that Tarantino told on Desperado.. it had something to do with pissing. I remember laughing pretty good.

I checked on IMDB and all I could find is this:

Short Bartender: What do you want?
Buscemi: Beer
Short Bartender: All I got is piss-warm chango.
Buscemi: That's my brand. Oh, this is damn good!

Here's a joke I read out of Playboy years ago. It's not really all that filthy, but it's made a few people laugh.

There was a man who came home sloppy drunk every night. He stumbles up the stairs, goes into his room & slams the door. Sick of being awakened everytime he comes home, they decide to play a joke on him. One night before he comes home they stick a blow-up doll in his bed. As usual, in he comes, drunk as a skunk. He stumbles up the stairs, into his bedroom & slams the door. For a few minutes there is silence, then suddenly, a piercing, blood curdling scream is heard throughout the house. The roommates run to their buddy's room to see what happened & they find him white as a sheet. They ask him what happened & he tells them, "Well, when I came in here I saw the sweetest, little lady just laying in my bed. I commence to nibbling on her nipple & then suddenly the b*tch hissed at me, flew around the room & out the window!"

OK, how about this one.

One morning as the holidays approach, the housewife invites the milkman into the house. She prepares him a lavish breakfast. When he's done, she invites him upstairs into her bedroom, where they make passionate love. When they finish, she hands him a $5 bill.

The milkman says, "I'm overwhelmed by your generosity, but I have to know, what brought this on?"

The housewife says, "Well, the other night I said to my husband, 'What should we give the milkman for the holidays?' He answered, 'Screw him, give him 5 bucks.'"

She says, "Breakfast was my idea!"

quote:

Originally posted by Nickel-Z:
What was the joke that Tarantino told on Desperado.. it had something to do with pissing. I remember laughing pretty good.

Oh, yeah. This just hit me. I know this one!

This guy comes into a bar & walks up to the bartender. He says, "Bartender, I got a bet for you. I'll bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass & not spill a single drop." The glass is 10 feet away. The bartender says, "Let me get this straight. You'll bet me $300 that you can piss standing here way over into that glass & not spill a single drop?" The guy says, "That's right." The bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's looking at the glass. He's thinking about the glass. And then he let's it rip & he's pissing all over the place! He's pissing on the bar, the stools, the floor, the phone, the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the glass. The bartender is laughing his @ss off. He's $300 richer. Piss dripping off his face, he says, "You idiot! You got it on everything except in the glass! You owe me $300." The guy says, "Excuse me one second." Goes in the back of the bar. He walks to a couple guys playing pool. He walks over to them. He comes back to the bar. Says, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender. $300." The bartender says, "Why are you so happy? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "See those guys there? I just bet them $500 apiece that I could piss on your bar, on your floor, on your phone & piss on you & not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."

George Bush travels to England to learn about leadership. He meets with the Queen (G'Bless her) and she explains that, in order to be an effective leader, you don't have to be intelligent, you just have to surround yourself with intelligent people.

He doesn't seem to understand, so the Queen offers to show him. She picks up the phone, calls Tony Blair and says, "Mr Blair, your mother and father have a child, and it's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"Why, me, of course, your Majesty," answers Blair.
"Do you understand, Mr Bush?"
"I think so, your Majesty!" answers Bush.

So, resolved to test his theory, Bush returns to Washington, picks up the phone and calls Dick Cheney.
"Dick, your mother and your father have a child, and its not your brother and its not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'll get right back to you with that, Mr President!"

So Cheney calls Colin Powell, and says, "Colin, your mother and your father have a child, and its not your brother and its not your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers, "Why, me, of course, Mr Vice-President.

So Cheney calls Bush back and says, "Mr President, I have your answer......

Its Colin Powell!"


And Bush answers, "No, you idiot, its Tony Blair!"

The one I tell kids goes like this:

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?
A: Cheese Was

Yep, it's a groaner.

And one of my all-time favorites:

Little 4 year old Jimmy lives with his Mom, his Father left before he was born. One night, Jimmy wakes up to a sound coming from his mothers room. He gets up, crosses the hall and peeps through the keyhole in his Mom's door.

His mother is standing naked in front of her mirror, rubbing her hands all over her nude body, saying "Oh God, I need a man, oh God I need a man".

Jimmy thinks nothing of it and back to bed he goes.

A couple of nights later, he wakes up to louder noise. He sneaks across the hall and peers into his Mom's room. This time, she's naked on the bed, really touching herself and she's saying "Oh God! I need a man!" over and over.

Again, Jimmy doesn't think twice and heads back to bed.

The very next night, Jimmy wakes up to a huge commotion. Across the hall he goes and this time, he sees a man on top of his Mother, going at it. "Oh God! Oh God!" She's shouting "I've got a Man".

Well, Jimmy sees this, and runs right back to his room and locks his door. He pushes a chair in front of his mirror and strips buck naked. He then steps onto the chair and starts rubbing his hands all over his body, saying "Oh God, I need a bike, oh God! I need a bike"....


I like that joke because it seems like it's going to be really gross, but it isn't. You're almost relieved and laughing at the punch line.

Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
4. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
5. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
6. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
7. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
8. He expelled his first two students for learning.
9. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
10. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

(Okay, guys, it's only a joke)

************************************************

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

(I know, tired and old.)

************************************************

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

(hee hee okay that's it thanks for your time folks)

quote:

Originally posted by Carlito's Way:
(Okay, guys, it's only a joke)

Yeah, but as the spouse of an academic who is in turn the child of academics, one I appreciate very much. Thanks!

Now Playing: "Nowhere's Too Far (For My Baby)" Peter Frampton Frampton

quote:

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?
A: Cheese Was

Zing! That's about like:

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese!

Or...

A sandwhich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve sandwhiches here" to which the sandwhich replies "Yeah, but I just wanted a drink!"

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a beer. When the time comes to pay, the guy says, "I don't have any money, but I'll show you something worthwhile."

He takes out a toy piano and a hamster. The hamster sits at the piano, and plays a beautiful sonata.

The bartender wipes tears from his eyes, and says that it was indeed worthwhile. The guy orders another beer, and again, when it comes time to pay says, "I don't have any money, but I'll show you something else if you spot me the beer."

The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a frog who sings the Nessun Dorma aria from Turandot, accompanied by the hamster.

Meanwhile a patron has been watching all of this and says, "I'll give you $20,000 dollars for that frog!"

The man agrees, and the patron leaves with his frog, $20,000 poorer. The bartender says, "Are you crazy? You could've gotten millions for that frog?!"

The man says, "I don't think so. The hamster's also a ventriloquist!"