The Big Fart Theory

A big, empty, black hole. A big, empty, black asshole. And out of nowhere this asshole twitched, puckered and then farted a fart big enough to fill all of nothingness. This black hole, having been relieved of its eternal constipation, then sat back and said, “Hey, this is good, this is much better than being all backed-up all the time.” Then out of this ass-of-infinite-nothingness, naturally, came a nose. A big nose. A really, really big nose. An all-sniffing, massive nose big enough to sniff an infinite fart. They worked together in harmony, like yin and yang, and became an indivisible one.

So now there is this big nose, with this big infinite asshole on the other side, sitting in it’s own vast fart. A Nose-ass if you will. This big nose sniffed and smelled it’s big ass and big fart and smelled it to be good. “Maybe I will make another nose so that it too can smell how wonderful my fart is,” Nose-ass thought to himself. Plucking a few nose hairs, he made another nose that looked just like he did, only much smaller. He made a nose capable of smelling much smaller, finite farts. He named this nose Bob. And then, for the hell of it, he made another nose, this one able to smell all these different, crazy kinds of farts and called her Eve. These two noses sniffed what they could of the Big Fart, and thanked the Big Nose-ass. The Nose-ass, knowing that their noses were not quite big enough to smell his big-black-asshole and thus understand it, did not really explain his big-black-asshole, nor did he equip them with one so as not to confuse them. However, this Nose-ass was democratic and thought free-choice was a really good idea. So, this Nose-ass, being the upstanding Nose-ass that it was, decided that his noses should be free noses, free to sniff whatever it is that they wanted to sniff. "If they want to put their noses in places they shouldn't be, like in my ass, well, so it goes." So he then pulled a few ass-hairs from the big-black-asshole and made the Tree-of-Ass. He told Bob and Eve that if they wished to smell all that had been given to them forever and ever, they must never eat from the Tree-of-Ass, “Whatever you do, don’t eat from the Tree-of-Ass.” They took one big whiff of all that Nose-ass had given them to sniff and said gratefully, “We will sniff you and only you, in all your glory, all day, every day, never to take our noses off your heavenly smell.” They really meant it to.


So Eve, one heavenly day, was going around sniffing the flower-fart, the bird-fart, the sky-fart, the tree-fart, and thought how being able to sniff them was such a beautiful thing to be able to do. “How wonderful Nose-ass smells!” she thought. Eventually, she came to this big, magnificent Ass-Tree where all these bulbous asses were wiggling and puckering about, letting out little quirky farts of their own. Curiously, she put her nose to one of the asses and sniffed a deep sniff. "How intriguing," she thought, "but Nose-ass said we were never to eat ass or else we will have to stop sniffing from the infinite fart." She was just about to go back to sniffing all the other fine smells when along slid one of the Big-Black-Assholes Silent-But-Deadly-Farts that had been let out without even Nose-ass realizing it, as hey, nobodies perfect. “Go on,” SBD hissed, “eat it. Eat that ass, baby. You know you want to.” “Oh, but I shouldn’t. Nose-ass warned me about such things.” Eve said. “Oh, Nose-ass just can’t stand the idea of anything making a bigger stinkier fart than himself. Trust me, eat that ass. You will be able to make your own big farts. You’ll love it.” Taking one final, longing sniff, and gave up, dove in, and devoured the fruit of the ass-tree. Crazy things then began to happen...crazy things: she developed an ass of her own, a big beautiful smooth ass that let out these goofy little quirky farts, and she sniffed them. “Whoa, that’s weird,” she thought, sniffing her own fart, once, twice, again.
“I ...just... can’t.. help.. but ..to ..keep ..sniffing ..it.. it just…smells...so...good!”
So she stuck her nose really far up her ass, removing her from the infinite-fart, and sniffed in a big sniff. Then all of a sudden she was humbled and understood shame and embarrassment, “Oh no! This is a bit perverted! I’ll go make Bob do it too, so I don’t feel so gross and ashamed.” So, she grabs a handful of ass and takes it to Bob. “Get that asshole out of my face. ...Eat ass!? What are you, crazy?! Didn’t you hear Nose-ass???? He specifically said, “Don’t Eat Ass or your doomed. D-O-O-M-E-D. Period.” Remember?” So she let out all these cute little farts, showing off, but Bob couldn’t quite understand what the hell she was farting about, and though impressed with her ability to now fart, wasn’t sold on eating ass. So then she, in desperation, let out a silent-but-deadly. A really smelly, secretive, stinking SBD that no finite nose could refuse. He took it hook, line, and sinker - he ate the ass. Then Eve stopped feeling like a pervert, as hey, someone else was sniffing their own ass too. So now they are these tiny little nose-asses, letting out these crazy little farts all over the place, sniffing their creations with pride and in glee, “Whooooooooooop-thip-pip-a-teeee!!!” out came the mosquito-fart. “ER-KRUNKA-BUNKA-pssssssst.” out came the bad-joke-fart.


Nose-ass comes along to sniff things out. “What is that retched smell!?" as a mosquito bites him. "What the hell!? That surely didn’t come from my ass.” So he investigaes a bit further. Sure enough, in his glorious Garden-Of-Pure-Farts, he finds Bob and Eve, new asses and all, farting into one another’s noses, giggling about how they didn’t need no Nose-ass no more, that they were fully self-suficient and could fart all sorts of stuff. “YOU ATE FROM THE TREE-OF-ASS!?” Nose-ass bellowed. “Thhhhhhhhhibt” Bob farted, “Yes, what’s it to you?” “Oh, you vile creature! I knew I shouldn’t have given you free-will! Fine! If you think you can handle my infinite ass on your own, then go on, go head and try, you are free to handle everything all by yourself.” Eve bent over graciously and ripped a wet one right into Bobs’s nose to his delight. “You see?” she cooed, "Do you want to sniff too?". “YOU FOOLS, YOU WRETCHED FOOLS!!!” Nose-ass boomed, “SNIFF THIS!!!” and blew a great big terrifying fart, blowing them east, out of the Garden-of-Pure-Farts, into the Chaos-of-No-Farts.

So, there they were, Bob and Eve, nose-ass and nose-assette, in infinite nothingness, unable to quite get their noses around the idea of ‘no-smell’, their source of true sustain. They tried and tried to smell and digest the idea of nothing, but it just didn't work, their noses simply weren’t big enough. Trying, trying, trying, pushing, pushing, pushing, but alas nothing came out. Eventually, they realized that even their own farts were not truely their own, but infinite-farts given to digest through small finite noses for all of eternity, and that they really shouldn't of eaten from the Tree-of-Ass. They began to gasp as they were not used to breathing without the gift of the absolute-infinite-fart. Strange things began to happen to their asses: Bob’s ass grew all sorts of unruly hair on it, Eve’s ass started to sag a bit. A big part of them, the only hope they had of making new farts, began to grow old. Then they started to feel embarrassed at their imperfect, old, saggy asses. “What are we going to do with these useless, ugly asses?!” said Bob in desperation. “Let’s make our own Infinite-Farts and be Big-Nose-asses ourselves,” said Eve. So they tried to remember the smell of their masters farts, the first fart, the fart of creation. They hoped that maybe just the memory of the infinite fart would somehow sustain them. They tried and tried and tried, squeezed and squeezed and squeezed, but they couldn't think of anything. How could finite-farters make infinite-farts? Finally one day it happened: “UNMPH!”, and out popped two little concentrated turds. “What the hell is that?!?!?” they cried in disbelief. So they leaned over and smelled their new-born sons, George and Able. The smell was overwhelming, they had created! They now had a source of sustain, a really gross-looking, messy source of sustain that whined and pee-moaned all the time, but a source of sustain nonetheless. This went on for about 14 years, until the shit piles went through puberty and their before-buried-asses reared their ugly, imperfect holes. Eventually they got tired of depending on their parents and became fed-up with all their absurd explanations as to what the hell was going on in this vast, smell-less nothing and what their assholes were really for. They demanded that they be told the truth. Finally, Eve confessed to them the existence of the first, great Nose-ass, and how they screwed everything up by eating from the Tree-of-Ass.

Embarrassed, they abandoned their parents and set out in search of the great Nose-ass so that they could be forgiven of their parents foolish mistake. Finally, they find the Great-Nose-Ass. He says to them "Fine, you can come back, but I’m leaving you your assholes. HOWEVER, you can't smell your own farts, you have to keep your nose out of your ass with your own free-will or else I will fart you out of existence into nonsenseofsmell. They are your responsibility. Your eternal-baggage. You can thank your parents for that. "Fine" they say, cursing Bob and Eve under their breath, "Whatever we must do to smell your fart in all its glory, we will surely do." So they live in harmony with the Big-Fart for a really long time. Eventually and of course, it happens again. George just couldn’t keep his nose out of his ass, and every night, in dark caves, would sniff in secret with perverse, wild abandon. He began to worship his own farts, just as he learned his parents had done. Eventually he became so disillusioned, he began to think his own farts were better than Nose-asses. It was his big, smelly secret.

When Nose-ass came to them one day, and said he would consider removing their asses if they could tell him what they thought the greatest fart to be so as to prove to him that they had left the ways of their sinful parents behind and had grown up. Both went their own ways, pondering the question deeply all day. Able, having lived according to the first Nose-fart, had an epiphany upon taking a really big, deep whiff. “There is only one fart and it is good!” He realized. George, remembering the ways of his parents, sniffed his own ass and sighed with perverse adore, “My fart is surely the best and most delicious fart!”


The next day, the Great Nose-ass says, “Well, what have you?” Able says, “There is only one forever expanding fart and that fart is good.” Nose-ass says, “Awesome, you get an A+” removes his asshole and farts out all these wonderful gifts for Able to sniff and enjoy. Then he gets to George. "So Georgey Boy, what is it?" Lifting his nose from his ass, he becomes nose-to-nose with the great Big-Ass-Nose. With a sly grin and a defiant voice he said, “My fart is surely the best and most delicious fart!” Nose-ass in a rage, turns around and rips a wrathful, stinking, wet fart all over George and storms off in frustration.

So there is Able, with all these neat and new little fun-farts, sans asshole, and George, dripping in wet, stinking sludge. Furious, George goes over to Able, his crusted asshole twitched, puckered, and farts in a maddened rage the Fart-of-Death all over him. “My brother, you don’t understand, please, you know not what you are doing!!!” Able cried. “No, you don’t understand! You goody-goody piece of shit!” George howled, punching him right smack in the nose, shattering it beyond repair. Bleeding freely Able let out one last forgiving fart, “Forgive him Nose-ass, he does not understand your mysterious, glorious fart." and died. George, in a jealous fury, looked around and saw all the farts that Nose-ass had given to Able and sniffed them up through his nose, digested them, and then buried his nose in his ass, blowing it back into his nose, digesting, and so this went on. “My farts are the shit!” He thought and stunk up the whole place.

Nose-ass came back and to his horror smelled the Fart-of-Death, the Fart-of-Narcissism, the Fart-of-Righteousness. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!??!" he took one last sniff and sighed "Oh, I give up. I'm sick of this shit” And roared off toward beautiful, sunny, California, holding his nose, unable to bear the smell of the perverted-farts stinking up everything beautiful and pure he had originally farted. George by this point, has his nose so far up his ass he doesn’t even realize that great Nose-ass has left him in an infinite nonsenseofsmell. Eventually, the same thing that happened to his parents happened to him, his ass got old and wrinkly. He grew old, gasping and dying on his finite, absurd farts.

_whole bunch of other shit happens_

And that brings us up to now; an old, dying, absurd ass sniffer.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Machols,

I'm confused...what are we talking about here?

If you haven't done so, copyright the story, with acknowledgements to "Genesis" (just make sure to keep Abel's name all the way through.) Then try to get it to Terry Gilliam's attention, since he might want to animate an entire film about it, or more probably, use it as an intro to one of his films (if anybody trusts him with millions of dollars anymore.)

I was laughing pretty much non-stop, so if all else fails, send it to Playboy. I haven't "read" it for at least 20 years, but I would think they would be interested, and they could throw in some "Yellow Submarine"-ish cartoons to go with it. If that doesn't work, it can still be turned into a children's book, although I realize that much of the humor will be lost once it's "sanitized."

My other comment is, that although heartfelt, I think the moral should be buried, maybe even in a foreward and not quite so obvious. Most readers will "get" it, but I think it's best presented as serious humor, instead of sugar to make the medicine go down.

I guess I'll let it all hang out and give you another high (unmentioned) grade. Maybe I can get a share of any profits realized. (Agent? Did I hear someone say agent?)

What do you call a thousand lawyers [agents] at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.-- "The War of the Roses."

I don't have nearly enough time to read the story very closely, but the parts I did skim made me chuckle. Funny stuff, M. Kudos!

quote:

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Originally posted by Machols:

So, how do I copyright it?

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I'm not a lawyer or an agent, but this seems the easiest and cheapest way to do it. I'll chip in all or part of the fee, no questions asked.

PS- I realize this may not seem too important, but Abel turns into Able later on in the story. Fix. Good luck.

Well, like I said I'm not Big Brother. I think they want $30 a pop (to stimulate the economy!?), so you'll have to pick and choose, depending on your budget. I'll still contribute a whole FRIGGIN' $30, but I loved you when you quoted your mom (she's about my age, and WE quote oldtimers, but you don't, unless you hear it from us folks or watch as many ancient flicks as I do.) I think this is good. You said you'll never have a "real" job. How about a better-than-real job?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: mark f,