This thread may sound extremely frivolous, flimsy, and unimportant, but I actually think it's ideal for this forum. We seem like a resonably well-seasoned and tight group, and I can trust you to help me out here.

I want to know your ONE JOKE -- that sure fire joke that you know you can pull out when people are telling 'em -- a joke that you KNOW leaves people rolling on the floor and is tough if not impossible to follow. Obviously, nothing extremely off-color, no quickies, and no oldies-but-goodies. No racial stuff, no sexist stuff (though sexUAL is fine).

I've got mine, but I want to hear yours first. Give it to me!

Hmmm ... Leaving off colour, racial and sexist jokes out basically disarms my arsenal of offensive jokes.

Off-color is fine -- just use common sense here. If you have to insult somebody's race to tell a joke, you're not thinkin' that hard. Give up your best one!

Mine's pretty off color, but it always makes me laugh. A simple pun, usually in the context of drinking...

"Liquor? Hardly know 'er!"

Alternately, I like:

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

I know, they're horrible. But they make me chuckle...

I'm going to be outright useless to you, RayRay, because while what follows is pretty much my favorite joke in the world, it's the epitome of the kind of joke that entertains your typical seven or eight-year-old. For some reason, though, it makes me cackle with glee every time. What's strange is, it has actually been known to get a pretty big laugh when I tell it, much to the consternation of my wife, who has heard it about a hundred times too many.

"There was this duck, who walked into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don't have any grapes." The duck walks out.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck turns around, and walks out of the bar.

So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says "No."

So the duck says "Got any grapes?"

Now Playing: "65 Bars And A Taste Of Soul" Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band Express Yourself: The Best of Charles Wright (Warner)

Here's a favorite one-liner of mine that maybe isnt the funniest but I laugh.

Flowers- expenisve
Dinner for two- catastrophic
Trying to get to first base- unattainable

For everything else theres masturbation

Ok...check it out...

A toothbrush salesman, after his first week on the job, comes in to the Sales manager. The boss askes him how he did. The salesman says,
"I got 3 sales"
"THREE SALES!" says the boss,
"Well you need a gimmick, son!"
"Whats a gimmick?" asks the salesman.
"Well, its just something to help you get sales." says the manager.
So, after his second week on the job, the salesman goes in to the manager's office again.
"Well, how'd ya do this week?"
"I got 133,000 sales" says the salesman.
"133,000 SALES!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD DID YOU DO?"
"I got myself a gimmick." says the salesman
"Alright, well...HURRY UP, OUT WITH IT SON!"
"Well, I found a really busy street corner and set up a table with some chips and dip. While people were waiting to cross the street, I would say, Hey, while you're waiting, want some chips and dip? And they would say, Sure! So they would take a chip, and get some dip. And then they would say, Hey, this tastes like poop?! And I would say, It is poop, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

(i think poop is actually funnier than the other 4-letter alternative)

Nobody gives a poop, but I'd vote for LT's so far. I guess it's a good thing I've never told a joke in my life. Does that mean I don't share humor? I hope not; I just enjoy spontaneous (from life) humor, not practiced humor. Then again, I'll try out for James Cagney's role in "One, Two, Three" if anyone wanted to try to set a record by topping its record for most "jokes" in a film!

This is one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard:

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender cries out to the man, " Hey Mister, did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What?" says the man.

The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"

"Well, I'm not suprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"

Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it whole. Once again the bartender cries out, "Hey Mister, Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What did he do this time?"

The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"

The man say's "Well, I'm not suprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he measures everything first"

First, I have to say that the duck joke is one of my all-time-favorites -- a sure-fire hit every time. For me, that segues into the panda joke (since I heard both of them on the "Pretty Good Jokes" show), but what with the punch line being the title of a best-seller, there's not much point in telling that one. I read the toothbrush salesman joke to my husband, and he laughed for three solid minutes, so that one looks like a winner, too. A lot of the jokes I know seem to require (on my part anyway) a lot of inflection and gesticulation. However, this is a joke that does well in print; it was voted funniest joke in the world. (not to be confused with the Monty Python joke that injured people who just heard a few words)

Two hunters were out in the woods when one suddenly falls to the ground, seemingly unconscious and not breathing. His friend, in a panic, pulls out his cell phone and dials the operator.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?" he screams.
"Now, calm down, dear," says the operator. "I can help you. First, let's make sure that he's dead...."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK...now what?"

You're too kind, Carol02. Thanks, too, for your own offering. It's a great one!

Now Playing: The Cubs up 5-1 on the Marlins in the top of the ninth

Easily my all time favorite joke, one that eternally labeled me alternatively a transandentalist and a fruitcake.

A zen-master walks up to a hot dog stand, turns to the man selling the hot dogs and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Tasty!

Now Playing: NPR's Morning Edition

Well...I have a pun but before I say it I'm just going to say that I do not intend for it to be sexist in any way.

Two women walk into a building...you think one of them would have seen it.

Most of my regular jokes are particularly obscene and I will refrain from using them.

In an effort to save this thread, I will post a joke that I just read on a joke mail list that I am on.

quote:

---

Lewis bought two horses, and could never remember which was
which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse
and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like
the other horse's tail and Lewis was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again Lewis couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse
was 2 inches taller than the black one.

---

I thought that was hilarious, more later...

Damn, that was bad...

Okay, me sorry, lets try again

quote:

---

A man is walking by an insane asylum at dusk when he hears a
bunch of people chanting eerily, "Thirteen. Thirteen. Thirteen."

His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and peeks
through. Suddenly, a finger pops through and pokes his eye out.

Now the chanting changes to, "Fourteen. Fourteen. Fourteen."

---

Ah, a joke thread. Here's mine.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"

OK, you didn't like that one, how about this:

A farmer walks into his house with a duck under his arm, walks up to his wife and says "This is the cow I"ve been f**cking all these years"

His wife says "Thats not a cow, it's a duck"

He says "I was talking to the duck"

That one's a little better! OK, here's one from the vault:

Back in the 70's, when milk baths were all the rage, this woman calls her milkman and orders several gallons milk. When the guy gets to her door, it's open so he walks in, and she tells him to come back to the bathroom. The woman is lying naked in the tub, and the milkman sticks his head in and asks, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The woman responds, "No, up to my t*ts would be fine!"